Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
some cats are just doing for fun!
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.