Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

For the orator and chef in all of us

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Netflix and you sit over there.

every man in east london

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

Managing expectations

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

The booster protects against what, now?

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

me when I see my crush

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)