Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Sometimes? I’m slipping

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan