Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
just arby’s bein’ a bro
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out