“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
They’re called werewolves.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.