“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch