Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.