“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Jurassic park gets weird
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”