“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
You Might Also Like
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?