Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.