Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
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Your honor these allegations are
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.