Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*pronounces patio like ratio
AM I BEING GASLIT????
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳