Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
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Me too door. Me too.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.