DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.