DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
You Might Also Like
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.