Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names