Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.