Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
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When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.