Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
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I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it