Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
honestly, i need both:
