Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
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My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Not all heroes wear capes…
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I think my mom just blocked me
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”