Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

mom gave me mine for free

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow