Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture