Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
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An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card