@simoncholland

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

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@SlickestOfRicks

“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen

@RdrJay47

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

@arealliveghost

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

@LeBearGirdle

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

@heat_packingDr

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

@BlairLoudly

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

@faggrat

time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo

@danjan13

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?