Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.