*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
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Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Icarus loved hot wings.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink