*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
You Might Also Like
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet