Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I’m not proud

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Mountain Goat : )

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.