Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.