Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off

people do NOT like that joke

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

9 circles of hell in this economy?

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men