Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.