Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

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[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok


me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?


When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”


You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?


Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?


BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.


*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*


When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers


I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.


I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?