[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Dad: Want a donut?
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
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me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?