dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
You Might Also Like
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
he chose this
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.