dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
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When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Two
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Four
Tell the people what she wore…
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
love it when they get my name right
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.