dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?