dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
#JohnTravolta
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.