Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

This line from Airplane.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

i want it utterly assaulted.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

this has to be peak English

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?