dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
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i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I don’t believe him.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud