Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.