Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Best seat on the street 😍

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?