Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Saturday

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.