Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron