Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat