Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

when you don’t want to be too vague

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.