“Dad, what did you love most about the halftime show?”
“Going to the bathroom.”
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Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
ibopfufen
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.