“Dad, what did you love most about the halftime show?”
“Going to the bathroom.”
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I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?