Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

#merica

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

Battery falling down a hole

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t