“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
figuring out my emotional availability:
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.