Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

don’t we all

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson