@BillFienberg

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

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@Adam14

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

@D2BMcG

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

@dumbbeezie

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

@dorkwing_duck

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

@BaileysIrishTom

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

@HatfieldAnne

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

@DrakeGatsby

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

@david8hughes

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

@Talkbackatme

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.