My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.