Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

You Might Also Like


My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with


“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”


Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now



Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever


What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?


I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.


A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.


Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner


[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry


I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.