The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
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“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.