Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

Phonetics

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.