Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.