Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

My beach vacation Google searches

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.