Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

they split up moments later

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

*watches the world burn*

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility