“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Otters see a butterfly.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]