Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

My current situation

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?