“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.