“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses