“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”