“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
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The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
👾👾👾
