Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.