dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’