dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
British websites use biscuits.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox