dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel