Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

You’re the water to my grease fire.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.