Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?