Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

“Sir, I was taught to always dance like no one is watching.”

*me getting escorted out of the club wearing only a bath towel
and singing into a brush.*

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?