dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes