DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
You Might Also Like
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.