Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

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Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Yep.

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows