dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back