dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.