Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Finally!

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!