Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
When someone says you are so lazy
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.